Loving You Completely

In a few short months my entire life has been changed.  The way I was living my life until God called me has been entirely redirected.

I have a fire and passion that is solely owned and directed by God.  I let go, and He knows exactly how to steer my life.

My person has become so much more compassionate.  I find things every day that I am in love with.  Things that I don’t just like, but that I LOVE.  Love, love, love with abandon.

Loving God has opened me to a never ending compassion for people around me and people I have never even met.  The key to that is to understand, accept and believe that we are all sinners.  Every single one of us.  There is no sin bigger or worse in God’s eyes, sin is sin.  And even when we sin, God still loves us.  The sacrifice of His son for US does not change.  No matter how many sins you commit, God will still accept you into His Kingdom when you repent of all that you have done.

I listen to the news broadcasts and hear of the evils in the world.  And I love.  I love the people who sinned against me because they are lost.  I love the people who wake up each day intending to do right and falter.  I feel compassion for mothers who are stressed beyond their maximum and commit crimes that many of us could not even imagine or contemplate.  I feel compassion for the man who is abused by his wife, or his father, or his brother.  I feel compassion for the person who turned to drugs today because they don’t realize that they have another way to live.

I feel compassion for the woman who thinks that she is strong enough to abort a baby, until afterwards she realizes her mistake.  I feel compassion for the people who believe that they were born the wrong gender, as if God would be distracted enough to make a mistake.  I feel compassion for the people who were abused but continue to abuse others even though they know how awful it feels to receive.  I feel compassion for the people who put such little respect into a marriage that they turn away and cheat.  I feel compassion for the parents who fight and give up on their child, even when they know that the very thing their child needs the most is them.

My heart bleeds for the people who makes choices everyday that I could never make.  My heart bleeds for the ones who think that following some false idol or lifestyle will heal their hearts and souls, not realizing that where they are directing their energy is to the very things that are tearing them apart.

I shed tears to think that some people believe society has cast them aside, that they are rejects, and not worthy of love.  I shed tears to know that a child is being exposed to dreadful horrors.  I shed tears because I don’t even sometimes believe that I am worthy of God’s love.

So many people are searching for acceptance.  So many people are looking for love.  So many people want today to know that their pasts are forgiven and that their future can be something better.  Yet their earthly minds cannot comprehend a love that is so understanding.

God is that way forward.  He is the way to shed off those old clothes and move towards the light of all that is Holy.

I never want to shy away from the direction that God is moving me in.  I don’t think I’m intended for the failsafe life of church once a week and enjoying the safety of a life where I know who God is but do not further His church.

God has given me a talent to write, a heart to love, a body that is healthy, a conscience to know what is right and wrong, and a community of people who lead me to the word of God.  All I am sure of is that I am His servant and that I love him completely.

We’re gonna shout His praise at the top of our lungs

Today I feel like thinking about all the things I have, and not the stuff I’m missing or would like to have.

A few days ago a co-worker asked me why I am so happy every day.  It’s pretty simple.  I wake up, breathe in and out, know that I am alive. And for that alone I am happy.

Every day is the future.  A time to celebrate what has been, what is, and what is to come.  There are little annoyances and eye-rolling moments in day-to-day living but those things aren’t even worth dwelling upon.  LET IT GO.

Sometimes it’s good to take stock of what you’ve got.

Here are some things that I am blessed with and grateful for:

Walking.

The power of movement. Of being able to go and hike a mountain.  God gave me the ability to walk.  I used to hate my legs.  Detest them, loathe them, and was embarrassed by them.  They aren’t the same as everyone else’s was my thought.  I am different and not in a good way, but in a disfiguring way.  And that led to some self issues.  I have Kobberling-Dunnigan Lipodystrophy.  A disease that re-programs the immune system.  My body killed off some fat cells.  All in my legs.  Therefore they have no fat in them.  I felt different all my childhood.  I was bullied for it.  Yet, now I am thankful to God. 

In some people this disease is fatal.  Thankfully for me it wasn’t and is gone from my body.  All I have to show for it is zero fat in my legs.  I can walk, I can run, I can dance.  I don’t care how these legs look now because I would rather have my legs than none at all.  I am blessed.

Mistakes.

Every mistake I have ever made has taught me something.  Every time.  Some were terrible.  Some stupidity.  Some just for the sake of the spite of doing it to myself or someone else.  Some pure wickedness.  I won’t be repeating them.  Mr. Mistake, how glad I am that I made you.  Mistakes helped set up the boundaries for where I will go in the future.

Keaton.

My wonderful, gorgeous, amazing, smart, talented, mischievous, noisy, dare-devil, goofy, crazy nephew.  That boy has this aunty wrapped around his finger.  To the end of the universe and back.

Church.

A collection of people from all kinds of backgrounds.  People who have experienced the world in every which way imaginable.  Every story is unique.  Each person that I meet there has an impact.  Living, breathing examples of how God is working.  I think Him for all of them every day.  The fellowship is making me stronger every single day.

Laughter.

To see the fun in the world brightens up my days.  To smile, to enjoy the times.  Things are funny.  Life is not all serious business.  I like to see the true light in people’s eyes when they are laughing.  I try to get a good roll-on the floor, tears pouring down my face laughter session once a week.

Discovery.

I love my spirit of adventure.  There is so much to learn and explore.  I have the senses to enjoy it.  And Enjoy it I shall.

Baptism.

I washed away my past.  I have a future free of the chains that could have held my heart back.  I am so excited for what lies ahead.  Jesus renews my heart, my spirit, and my life all the time.  For Him I will walk forward, forging the path that He has designed.

Randomly random. That’s how I roll.

Why are there people in the bible that are hundreds of years old?  How were people able to live to those ages?

Why lately haven’t I felt like the services were speaking to me and where I was at in life and relating to what I am going through?  Why isn’t the pastoral team stalking me and directing the sermons to me???  I miss that feeling of being at service and hearing things that speak directly to where I’m at in my life.   I realized this morning that I haven’t had that feeling for a while, actually since my baptism.

Studying and researching creation makes me happy.  The truth of Genesis and the science that proves it is astounding.  Creation is amazing, astounding, incredible, and awesome.  Thank you God.

I’m a very, very happily joyful Christian.  My heart is so full and keeps being filled to the brim and beyond each day.  I’m praying big, and so far I feel that God is listening and acting within my life.  I find that I don’t pray for what I want God to do, but ask Him to direct me to what HE wants me to do.  And praying in that mindset fulfills my prayers.  I really don’t feel like anything is unanswered in regard to my praying heart, maybe I haven’t had to truly “test” that yet, however, I really feel that because I am asking for God’s direction and being open to where He guides me, that gives me an ability to really listen and be directed instead of trying to influence the answers.

It’s odd to me that songs that I’ve never heard before sound familiar once I hear them being played.  And I KNOW what I have and haven’t sung before.  Must be the fact that they are about my God that draws them close to my heart quickly.  The words just flow together.

I love how praying still brings me to tears each time.  Not because praying is sad, but because praying brings me so much joy.  The tears run down.  Strong tears of my true heart.

I’m committing myself to living like the holy spirit is sitting right beside me all day long…therefore everything I do is a reflection of that.  PLUS, since the spirit is within me it’s time to stop hiding behind any reflections and do what I’m meant to be doing and not procrastinating or shoving that knowing God out the window a little.  Instead of chasing those things the devil makes shine, it’s time to live my life as a testimony to what and who God is in my world.  Don’t fall off that wagon!

FACT: I love God more than anyone or anything else I’ve ever experienced or known.  If you think you are my number 1 or think you ought to be number 1…sorry but that spot is all locked up 🙂

1 Thessalonians 5:16-17 is my favourite bible quote.  That verse was part of a dream I had…and now I find that it is part of my daily life.  It opens my heart, it makes thankful that I get to pray, that I can know the real truth, power and love of God in my life, in heart, and mind.  The NLT version says “Always be Joyful; Never Stop Praying”, The NIV version says “Be joyful always; pray continually”, The King James version “Rejoice Evermore; Pray without ceasing” ~ in any version it doesn’t matter….it’s a resounding truth for me.  God, Christianity, Church, my family in Christ is a blessing, a joy, and I won’t be ashamed of it, nor forget the abundant blessings I receive.  I love to live in prayer…I pray a lot.  Sometimes little things, sometimes big things, sometimes for strength to know how to answer someone’s question or how to walk away from things I need to leave.  God is always listening to me.  I know that.  I’m not going to forget that.  No prayer I have is ever too small. 

The blackest of day, the lowest of low, and I still know, that He is where I lay. 

So I will stay joyful because when God is on your side and in your heart nothing is too big.  God is bigger and more powerful than anything.  So I shall endeavor to be joyful in my heart always.

I don’t have to apologize for loving God.  If you can’t handle that, I am sad for you to not know such joy.  However, don’t expect me to forsake my God.  And that will also mean that I will pray for you, whether you want me to or not.

Shadows play along the days

You can only take away the things that I release to you, the struggles and pain that hold down inside will anchor me to the ground.  I know that I should fly, and when I figure out how to break free you’ll see.  The wind, the sky, the heavens might not be enough for me.  I’ll be sailing, screaming out my joy.  Those moments abound in the days that forge ahead.  I look back just to remember.  And while the past is where it must be, I reflect because it’s a measure of what has been to what will be.  The future reigns of your love.  The future speaks in volumes I’ve just begun to hear.  At times, I’m sure, that I will wander, no matter how clear you cut the path.  But I’ll remember where the home lies.

I smile each morning, waking with revelry.  I reflect and see, yes today is blessed.  I could have stumbled and fallen, could have forgotten.  I remember always, that you are what I need.  The darkness comes, but light is always an epiphany.  Shadows play along the days, seeking what’s not pure.  Stand firm, stand strong, remain in prayer.  For you aren’t living for what is seen.

Depth of soul and love, perfectly untamed.  I’m full to burst, no shameful pride is here.  Broken promises, forgotten now….I don’t think I needed them anyhow.  Time separates from the emotion of the unnecessary.   God separates us from the desire of the unncessary.

For Praying Out Loud!

The power of prayer is amazing and wonderful and perfection.  I have spent the last few days experiencing some unexpected friction.  And while feeling attacked from all angles I found was that I positioning myself closer to God then before. 

It’s surprisingly easy for me to separate my believing, joyful heart away from the jarring barbs that others send my way.  That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt – but those swirling currents of negativity fail to turn my heart away from the truth and faith I have in my God.

In the last 48 hours I have heard the following from “non-Christians” or “unbelievers”:

“You aren’t being very Christian” :   This person asked for my honest opinion, and without attacking or demeaning them I shared my opinion.  It wasn’t in agreement with their opinion on the situation, and that makes me un-Christian because I didn’t agree with their choice and failed to re-assure them that what they did was ok.  Being a true person of faith doesn’t mean that you blindly accept things and refuse to point out errors.  Maybe I could have used different wording, maybe it was my tone of voice, but I feel like it was just the lack of telling this person that they were justified, when they clearly were not. 

“For a Christian you aren’t very compassionate”: Another person, another situation.  I start to wonder if I’m not compassionate.  Am I to blame when I look at something from a different perspective and share it?  No, actually, I don’t think I am.  However, my heart is sad when someone makes a poor choice, but I can’t change what YOU did.  All I can control is how I react to it.  If that means that I distance myself from the situation to protect my spirit, unfortunately that will separate myself from you.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t care or that I am not there for you.  What it does mean is that I cannot and will not fight your battles for you.  I cannot be the person that takes on the worlds sins.  I am not designed for that.  The only person that ever walked this Earth with enough grace and compassion to carry the weight and sin of the world was Jesus.  And I am sure not him.  I wouldn’t want that much pressure.  So I didn’t break down and cry about your choice.  I will still hold you until your tears run dry and if you need a friend to correct your mistake, I will help you achieve what you need to.  My heart belongs to God and it will stay joyful for I am a child of God that is endeavouring to be all that he asks me to be. 

“Just because you go to church doesn’t make you perfect”: Ain’t that the truth.  I am so far from perfect I could cry each day.  All I have is to repent of the sins I cause and to try and try and try each day to live as best I can.  I am the first one to show how far from perfection I am.  I have made massive mistakes in my life, committed sins…but right now those things are in my past.  They will stay there.  I have let of go of them because I have experienced the true forgiving nature of my God.  I look to my future so that I can fly, run and live within the grace of God in the darkest of times.  This isn’t a passing phase but a life that will be committed to his direction.  Without God what is there?

It’s amazing that there are people in my life that decide that they should tell me what it is to be a follower of Christ when they don’t know him at all.  I have no knowledge to show up and tell a doctor how to operate, or an engineer how to design and build something, or a teacher how to teach.  Yet people think that they have a right to tell me what my religion is while not having a relationship with God or any other divine entity.   I wonder if Jew’s, or Sikh’s, or Buddhist’s have to listen to others telling them what it means to be who they are by people who have no knowledge of how to follow that particular religion.  I’m not sure if they do, but it’s very likely, since many are afflicted with the humanistic trait of passing judgement where it is not required.

Before having God decide that I needed to wake up and understand that he’s in my life I too was guilty of judging Christians.  I would see people who followed Christ full of joy.  I would wonder how they could be so happy in the face of destruction, and it’s not that they would show happiness in the act of the disaster itself, but that they could find the small joys amongst the wreckage.  In the destruction and unrest of our world, I would be astonished that they could still smile.  I would wonder how they could lift their hearts with song and get to work with repairing the things that needed to be done.

Now I see and feel those things.  Every event that comes our way is an opportunity to find faith, to renew hope, to cherish the beauty of people who are brought to life through the love of Christ, to prepare the way for new followers, to understand true love, and most of all to understand that set backs here on Earth do not have to separate us from an eternity of joy.

I started reading a book a few weeks ago called “Divine Intention” written by Larry Shallenberger.  I think it was intended for pastors, however the subject of exploring the book of Acts and how the early church should influence our modern-day churches intrigued me.  I had the last chapter to read, and had put it off until last night.  I think I might have bought the book just to read this one paragraph on page 182:

“Over time I came to understand that both God and Satan use fire for their purposes.  God uses fire to refine and strengthen while Satan uses heat to scar and disfigure.  Why do both God and Satan value fiery experiences?  In the physical realm, fire agitates molecules and speeds up chemical reactions.  The same is true spiritually.  The fire of suffering is a spiritual accelerant.  Suffering speeds up the stuff of our characters and makes us susceptible to change.  Our decisions made during a week of suffering yield their consequences more quickly than those made during a year of tranquility”

That clicked with me.  I have had a crash course in life, love, religion, family, and everything spiritual since last December.  The faith I have has grown and dug right into my soul.  It’s not going anywhere.  That devil doesn’t want to ever let anyone of us go, and my passion is not to the temptations that he presents any longer.  My passion is for God.  For the work that God wants me to do.  And in order to get to the core of the stuff that God wants me to do I have to keep my fevered passion alive.

I had felt like I was wandering for a while here.  And feeling a little lost and floating around achieves nothing.  I didn’t know if the things I was being drawn to were my choices or the path that God was pointing me to.  So he sent along some spiritual strife.  Today I’m thankful for that.

I run to work most days and combine that time with prayer.  It’s a best part of an hour that I get to listen to music that uplifts my soul and zone out into prayer.  Some of you might say that I should be doing nothing else while praying but I don’t think God minds my multi-tasking, being outside in nature has always been the place I’ve felt most connected to the higher power.  So as I ran along the rotary trail today I prayed and prayed.  I prayed that whole time.  After a few strange looks from the others on the trail I realized that I was saying my prayer out loud (if you hear of a crazy praying woman on the rotary, don’t be afraid, it’s just me!).  Anyway, for all that praying out loud the day led me to some clear answers about what my heart has been pondering.

I cannot be stagnant any more.  That doesn’t mean I need to eschew all of my life and live in solitary…although sometimes I feel like that spiritual refuge would be a blessing…nope, I need to get out there into the nitty-gritty of the world. 

The places where I have felt like I’ve been being drawn to, I feel, through my prayer, are the exact places where God is leading me and guiding me to go.  Whether all this spiritual unrest the last few days and weeks was the work of God or devil doesn’t really matter, all I know is that if it was God he has achieved a heart in me that he wanted, and if it was the other, well he just isn’t going to win.

During Sundays service, the wise pastor of Promontory, told us this “Faith is confidence that God is who He says He is and that He will do everything He promises to do”.  I agree. And I feel that.  And I know that. And I love that.  These years on Earth shall prepare me for my forever with God, and I hope that I can be the servant God requires on my time here.  Let His will be done!

Happiness is listening to what God promises and giving yourself over to that promise, knowing that you are blessed.

Today’s Musings

Sometimes I feel like the only person who would ever understand what I feel or how I’m thinking is God.  And knowing that why do I feel so alone?  Having Him with me means that I don’t need to feel alone, yet here on this earth, my mind needs another to understand.  God is always enough spiritually but I need real-life company.

I’m at a place where I know God…but what do I do with this passion I have?  How am I going to use it before it all dissipates away?  The things that I am compelled to do I don’t know who to get to the place to do them.

I’m so scared of making a mistake, of falling flat on my face.  I’ve had so much time of making mistakes, of messing up, of disappointing others, and not fulfilling my potential, I don’t want to do that anymore.

I want to make drastic changes in my world but are they right?  or just coming from my desire to run as far away from what I used to be as possible.  Some mornings abandoning all I know and living in an isolated cabin in the woods is appealing.  Then I’d be alone with me and my thoughts – and what would that achieve.

I feel like I am wandering at the moment, and while that doesn’t make me lost, it isn’t allowing my passions to have any footings or directions.  I want to be living, discussing and showing the world that God isn’t just a word but a way to live your life and be who you are….yet I can’t do that until I’m all figured out!

I give so much of me away and I’m finding it difficult to balance that out with time for myself.  Jesus just gave and gave and gave….how do you manage that?  I’m always there for my friends and they are there for me but it’s easier to be there for others instead of opening yourself up.  I’ve always struggled with that insecurity.  If you are too open you place yourself open to attack with people using yourself against you.  If you remain too closed off you miss sharing critical parts of yourself.  BALANCE – how do I find you?  You seem very elusive lately.

I’m seeking God’s will in my life but how do I know if what I’m feeling is HIS will or my own selfish heart?

Who Am I?

I am a woman who stands up for what I believe in.  I won’t apologize for, or deny the true feelings of my heart.  I won’t try to offend you, even if I don’t agree with you.

I love deeply and care freely.  Every person I am friends with lives within my heart.  If they hurt, I’m hurting too.  I always wish that I could relieve everyone’s problems so that they could have light hearts and smiles.  Sometimes though carrying what others can’t makes my heart heavy, yet I wouldn’t want it any other way.

I have hopes and dreams, many probably quite unattainable, yet I love to day dream.  My dreams don’t mean that I don’t love my life….most times my dreams make me appreciate what I have.  I can see the value in the day-to-day living of normal.  I wake up and breathe deep.  Today is all about living.  If I were anyone else or anywhere else, then I wouldn’t have the blessings I have right now.

I am the woman who wants to save the world.  If I could end the suffering, feed the hungry, and give every person a shoulder to cry on, I would. 

I love to explore.  Going to new places, urban or remote.  Scaling that mountain, relaxing by the lake…taking the road less travelled.  Being somewhere new fuels me.

I want to know how everything works.  Learning is part of life.  It isn’t enough for me to know that things just “are.”  I need to know why.  As a four-year old child I wanted to know why rainbows appeared.  My Mum ended up taking a book out of the library to explain how & why rainbows appeared, I wanted the true explanation.  It’s amazing to see the perfect, precise design of our planet, the universe, our bodies, cells, chemicals….most of us take it for granted how intricately and interconnected our world really is.  Our planet and how we came to be is fascinating.  Every cell in your body is more complex than any computer man has ever invented, it’s not a fluke that we’re around.

I like to laugh.  Laughing is a great release.  I like goofy, I like sarcastic and EVERYTHING in between.  I can laugh at myself and make fun of myself.  And I don’t mind being the joke sometimes.

I am complicated.  I’m simple.  I’m a contradiction.  I am evolving and discovering.  I love tradition.  I thrive in change.  I like quiet reflection.  I live for the party.  I’m shy.  I’m confident.  I’m unsure.  I know what I want.  Forever doesn’t seem like long enough to do all the things I’d love to do.  Eternity might just cover all the things God wants me to do.